Museum Zombie Apocalypse

One day the dead will rise, walk the earth and attempt to devour the living. If you happen to work in a museum, the obvious question is ‘Does this museum have the collection and venue that will help me survive?’.

How do you kill or hold off a zombie?
As anyone who has seen almost any zombie film, you need get one of these un-dead types in the head, preferably decapitating them. If you cannot do that and you can’t keep them out of the building then you are lunch!

Lets examine some museums in London on their chances of surviving and see if we can’t find the best place to work in?

National Gallery
I’m a huge fan of the NG but I have to say that when it comes to having a useful collection, this may not be the best place to be. Some of those picture frames are pretty solid but trying to wield one at a zombie doesn’t sound very practical. Using a Constable as a shield might only offer the smallest of reprieves too.

I think it’s game over for the staff of the NG!

Natural History Museum
I used to work here so have a soft spot for the old place, but I have my doubts about how useful the collection would be in a zombie crisis situation. Trays of insects, stuffed mammals and dried plants don’t sound very promising. The best bet sounds like the significant quantity of rocks they have for bashing or throwing at the slavering undead horde as they shuffle their way in!

Sorry NHM, I think it is probably dinner time for the zombies!

Museum of London
Obviously we need to get our hands on something useful so how about the large and diverse collection at MoL? At first things look promising as there areobjects such as dueling pistols, muskets, swords, daggers, armour and even a few bombs. It all starts to unravel when we find there is no gunpowder for the guns, the swords are old and mostly blunt and have you ever tried running in armour? Naturally the bombs have been decommissioned (you would normally be glad to hear). If they can hold the zombie mob outside there is even a bit of food in the collection to keep them going – tins of whalemeat and dried eggs from WW2 anyone?

I’m afraid they are gonners!

Imperial War Museum
Ok, time to wheel out the big guns, in this case literally. Tanks, artillery, rifles, machine guns, bayonets, the IWM has loads of them! Now we are talking right, surely this is the place to be? Wrong – none of these things can fire so much as a dried pea. It’s all talk and no trouser as my Gran would have said. I’m not sure i’d want to rely on bayoneting a zombie!

I fear they are all zombie food!

Don’t panic though, there is an answer. There is one place, actually a group of several museums within a Palace where the staff should be safe as the crown jewels. This is apt as it is where they store the crown jewels.

The Tower of London
It’s in an actual intact fortress for a start, one specifically designed to keep unwanted folk out. With the Royal Armouries and the Royal Fusilier Museums there are plenty of swords guns and armour to help clonk o few zombies.

The best thing of course is that with all the Guardsmen and Beefeaters, there are actual trained members of the armed forces on hand to help. And they have actual guns that work and (I assume) have real bullets.

If you’ve seen 28 days later, then the prospects of putting your trust in soldiers, particularly if you’re a women, might potentially have one or two downsides. You have a good chance of surviving though!

Can your museum (or art gallery) do better?
I’ve picked on these few museums and I think I’ve found a winner, but if you think different or if you think I’ve been unfair, leave a comment below.

Alternatively, give it a mention on twitter with the hashtag #museumzombieapocalypse

I notice there is a great sounding Science Museum Late called ‘The Science of Zombies‘ on 30th Jan 2013


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